 |
|
|
|
| RE: insight help? |
 |
|
Hi there! Lengthy post incoming
So uhh, some of you know me and others not so much since I haven't been active since last year when MK9 came out, so I'll let some of you know a little bit about me. The ones that do know me know that I can be a bit... hard-headed, stubborn perhaps and sometimes a straight up dick. I like to think I'm not as bad as before and that I've gotten friendlier since back then. Some of you probably don't think I have a lot of friends and you'd be right about that.
Not to go all mopey on you guys, but I'm not exactly someone people seek out. In fact I get the impression most people don't like me and for the most part I tended to not like people back, so it was never an issue. You could say the way I behaved before was because I didn't care. I can manage to get a long with people, no doubt, but I was only "friends" with a few people for years while most came and went away.
I use quotations because I question the friendship I had with some of these people. Not to act sensitive, but friends don't make jokes about you getting hit by a car. And the ones that didn't, we didn't exactly hang out much outside of school. It's because of the people that I grew up with (I was kind of bullied in school btw) that I sort of have trust issues and can be paranoid. However, over the past year I have befriended some really cool people that I have no problem of calling friends.
Basically, I kinda had some arguments with a friend of mine about the way that we look. She had body image issues when she was growing up and has come a long way now and is very pretty. I've told her, other friends have told her and people who aren't her friends have told her. A lot of people compliment her, but we're alike in a lot of ways so she's paranoid about it.
Me, on the other hand, I don't get compliments. I've relayed this to my friends about how people don't find me to be good-looking and of course they do what friends do and tell me otherwise. And I do think I'm kind of attractive, but that's not the issue. Even when I told this to my female friend, she still argues with me.
See the issue is not that I care if people compliment me all the time (because I don't), the argument is over the fact that other people don't think I'm good-looking. Whenever I say this she starts to kind of get mad, but the thing I've noticed is that she seems to avoid telling me directly like my other friends do. She either brings up that other people have told me (which btw, the only people who have ever complimented my looks are my other friends) or she threatens me violence (jokingly of course). Either that or she tries to rationalize the compliments she get to make it seem like people don't actually think she's pretty.
I've told her about some of this and she just shrugs it off. I know that part of her argues with me because she doesn't want me to feel bad about myself. Which I don't, I simply stated an observation and she somehow tries to argue against it.
What happened yesterday was that she posted a picture online and got many compliments. Just to show her that I was right about the whole thing, I posted my own to prove people in general don't find me attractive. So I did, and people ignored my picture like I said they would. But even then she argued against me every step of the way, to the point where she got mad and started to ignore some of the things I said.
I decided to drop the whole thing and never bring it up again to her, but I do kind of want some insight on the whole thing by outside people. Especially since she doesn't want to properly finish the conversation. I do feel I need to point out that I like this girl a lot, and she even said she likes me but we're not dating right now for a few reasons. One of them being that she doesn't want to date anyone right now but even then we've remained very good friends.
But I digress. So what I'm asking you guys is if you could give me some insight on this. Am I being ridiculous somehow? is she? Should I give her some space and try not to bug her for a while? or should just try to talk to her like we normally do?
I've already apologized because I know the whole thing is dumb and I don't want to be on bad terms with her, but for some reason she won't tell me why she thinks she's right despite everything.
Any response would be greatly appreciated. |
|
Zen
 mr.eggzy
1498 Posts
-3 Karma Points
796 Kombat Koins
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sedo
 COYG
2921 Posts
9 Karma Points
2759 Kombat Koins
|
|
|
|
|
| RE: insight help? |
|
|
I don't know you very well, but I'll do my best. I went through similar emotions for many years, and feel I have a little to offer.
First, I do think that both of you are being stubborn a bit. It's understandable, but both of you need to give a few inches. She needs to accept how you feel, and rather than get angry about it, offer to help take steps to improve your outlook, and overall esteem. You, on the other hand, have to accept that there is a high probability that there are people who find you attractive. It may not always feel that way, and I know firsthand, but trust me when I say that your friend is right.
Now, in those ways you can both help each other. It seems like both of you are letting hangups interfere with progress. I've been guilty of that so many times. You don't even recognize it at that time. But you've admitted to paranoia regarding people's feelings and intentions, so its understandable how that's coming in between you two in the form of arguments and what have you. She sounds as if she may have had a troublesome experience herself at some point. Relationships are hard, and sometimes the damage is hard to get past. But I think the two of you can help each other. Just remain open and receptive, and encourage that she does the same.
So, with that being said, I personally think that your friend probably finds you attractive, but can't summon up the courage to say it plainly. Perhaps she fears rejection, and that's why she gets so angered when you disagree with her. Not only does she find you attractive, but she knows that she could help your pain in that area if only she had the courage to tell you. She's probably equally mad at herself that she can't tell you how she feels, and hurts seeing you doubt yourself.
Now, that last bit may or may not be, but I've seen similar situations, and been in a few myself.
I'd say hang in there. Friends don't get angry that you disagree about your own attractiveness unless they care, and it upsets them to see you feeling that way. Like I said, keep trying to communicate, and remain open to her feelings while encouraging that she remain open to yours.
Good luck! |
|
|
|
Austin Chaos
 Mr. Marston
2780 Posts
49 Karma Points
8286 Kombat Koins
|
|
|
|
|
| RE: insight help? |
|
|
| Gooner wrote: | i have a friend with the same issue she is a beautiful girl but she doesn't realize it and i told her many times but she doesn't seem to accept it and thinks she is a bad person but she isn't
but now after our many conversations she is really starting to come around
all i am saying is i don't think you're doing anything wrong but if she doesn't like it give her some space don't talk about the subject maybe she'll come around in time |
You've re-confirmed my thoughts well. I'll just make sure not to bring it up for a while. Thanks!
| Austin Chaos wrote: | | First, I do think that both of you are being stubborn a bit. It's understandable, but both of you need to give a few inches. She needs to accept how you feel, and rather than get angry about it, offer to help take steps to improve your outlook, and overall esteem. You, on the other hand, have to accept that there is a high probability that there are people who find you attractive. It may not always feel that way, and I know firsthand, but trust me when I say that your friend is right. |
I know, but my point the whole time was that not many people do. I realize it might've not been the wisest thing to say.
| Quote: | | Now, in those ways you can both help each other. It seems like both of you are letting hangups interfere with progress. I've been guilty of that so many times. You don't even recognize it at that time. But you've admitted to paranoia regarding people's feelings and intentions, so its understandable how that's coming in between you two in the form of arguments and what have you. She sounds as if she may have had a troublesome experience herself at some point. Relationships are hard, and sometimes the damage is hard to get past. But I think the two of you can help each other. Just remain open and receptive, and encourage that she does the same. |
Yeah, she has. She used to be bullied because of her appearance so I can kind of understand how she feels.
| Quote: | | So, with that being said, I personally think that your friend probably finds you attractive, but can't summon up the courage to say it plainly. Perhaps she fears rejection, and that's why she gets so angered when you disagree with her. Not only does she find you attractive, but she knows that she could help your pain in that area if only she had the courage to tell you. She's probably equally mad at herself that she can't tell you how she feels, and hurts seeing you doubt yourself. |
This actually kind of came across my mind, but part of me doubts it. I know it's probably the paranoia but the thing is, she knows how I feel about her. She knows I like her for who she is and I also think she's beautiful. So I feel like if I could tell her that, then it should be no problem for her to plainly state the same. So I don't think fear of rejection is the problem.
| Quote: | | I'd say hang in there. Friends don't get angry that you disagree about your own attractiveness unless they care, and it upsets them to see you feeling that way. Like I said, keep trying to communicate, and remain open to her feelings while encouraging that she remain open to yours. |
Will do. Thanks. Haha, I've seen a few of your posts and was really hoping you'd reply.
Really appreciate it guys.
Edit: Thinking about it, it has been a while since I told her. So maybe you're right and she probably believes I don't feel the same about her anymore. But even then, she's said she doesn't want to be in a relationship so its all... very puzzling to me. @_@ |
|
Zen
mr.eggzy
1498 Posts
-3 Karma Points
796 Kombat Koins
|
|
|
|
|
Kamidogu | Forums | General Discussion | insight help?
